Chapter 12 - I think i love you

From the glass window of the room, tiny droplets of rain could be seen settling themselves on the window pane. It was a rainy and windy night unfortunately. The two occupants were sleeping soundlessly in the wide and spacious room. In the other corner of the apartment, someone was awoken by the loud claps of thunder. It sounded like an ear-splitting sound that came from a percussion instrument. The 23 year old lad hobbled his way out of bed and made his way into the living hall.

Just after a few steps, he heard sudden faint noises coming from the other room. He opened the door and squint his pair of beady eyes. The room was dark. The only light came from the moon that showed its glow. His hyungs’ room had no table lamp. Both refused to have one though. On one of the beds laid Jaejoong who was tossing and turning non-stop. He seems to be calling out for someone. From his facial expressions, the lad could visibly see signs of uneasiness. He motioned forward and gently gave a slight tap to his hyung’s body.

“Hyung ah~ wake up. Its Junsu”, the young lad voiced out, concerned.

“Annn…get awaaaay ffrom heeeeeeeer” the one who was in sleeping mode was almost whispering out something gibberish he couldn’t make out.

At the moment, Yoochun woke up from his deep sleep. He sensed Junsu’s presence in his room.

“Whats wrong?”

“Hyung, jaejoongie seems to have a nightmare. A very bad one.”

That made Yoochun stands straight up from bed.

“He is perspiring really bad too. Hyung ah~ jaejoong wake up.”

After a slight push to the shoulder, Jaejoong opened his eyes.

###

Gosh! Its just the first week of work and I’m told to come back on a Saturday morning.
I walked along the 9th floor corridor and headed towards my department where Hyun-ju’s office was. The office was very modern and very well organised. Just like any other luxury brand company.

Hyun-ju needed me to organise the clothes for the parade. They need to send it to the venue on monday morning. There were four long clothes rack to fill with both the male and female collection. The designs are all stacked and I need to put them in order of appearance for the show.

There was no one in the office. I headed to my desk to take my planner. All details are in place. All arrangements have been checked and confirmed. After arranging the entire collection, there is not much left to be done. Rehearsals were already carried out. I will just have to wait until Tuesday night where the gala premiere of South Korea’s fashion week starts.

Just as I was about to enter the dressing room, someone called out for me.

“Ms Kim Andee...”

I turned, and got the shock of my life.

I turned to see who just called my name. To my astonishment, it’s someone I least expect to see, or even want to see.

“Kim Andee sshi, can we talk?” he asked.

I turned my back against him, ignoring, and went towards my work desk.

The moment I was seated on my seat, and without me realizing, hot tears flowed down.

Why did they have to send him to find me? I was doing fine the whole week. Didn’t I just tell myself to forget about my past? I totally ignored Changmin when he tried to call. Why am I crying now?

“Andee sshi, mianhe. I didn’t mean to come and scare you. I just wanted to…”

I looked up, stared into his eyes.

“How did you find me? I thought nobody knew where I worked except Changmin. Don’t tell me you know where I live now too.”

“I just wanted to bring you back. Jaejoong hyung needs you. He really does. He needs you more than anyone else. Come back and see him, for his sake… Please… I’ll wait for you, we all will; Yunho hyung, Yoochun hyung and Changmin. You’re someone who can help hyung regain his memory. Please. Why did you have to run away like that?” he begged me.

“Junsu sshi, mianhe. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve made up my mind to forget my past,
to forget Jaejoong, to forget you, to forget all of you guys. Go back. Pretend I never existed. It was enough that I caused Jaejoong to be seriously injured. I should not bother any of you anymore”

“But Andee sshi…” he tried protesting, but the girl in front of him refused to listen.

“Im sorry Junsu. I can’t go back to Jaejoong. He doesn’t recognise me anymore. What good is there when I go back?”

“Andee please. Hyung have been having nightmares since he got back home. First it was in the afternoon when he was resting. Then this morning he was frantic with fear. You should see him when he sleeps. Me and Yoochun witnessed it ourselves.”

“Why would he be having nightmares?”

“Since he got back from the hospital yesterday, he rummaged through his belongings. He found his diary and I think he has been wondering what happened to him. When he was in his sleep this morning, I would want to believe it but it seems that he was calling out for you. But when he woke up he doesn’t remember a thing. Isn’t it best that you come forth and face him yourself?”

“But he doesn’t remember me.” My knees dropped to the ground. Tears flowed down uncontrollably.

“He remembers everything but the accident. He doesn’t know what happened to him. Come back and help him, please… I’m begging you…”

“All you think of is his well being. How about me? I’m the one who was forgotten. I love him, Junsu. But does that matter now? He seems to have forgotten about me permanently.”

With those sharp words, the man before me didn’t say a word.

“I understand now Andee. I have made a mistake coming here. I shall not disturb you any longer. Goodbye.”

I looked up to him and just stared into his eyes. I could see the hurt in them.

Ohh Junsu… Mianhe. Chongmal mianhe.

I just can’t…

####

Play : 'i think i love you'



I don’t know how to react. As much as I wanted to, there is this part of me that is still stubborn, wanting me to stay as far away from Dongbangshinki as possible, wanting me to forget everything that took place in the past week. I wanted to forget that I ever met Jaejoong in my life. I have been having nightmares too, didn’t they know? Or do I have to announce it to the whole world? I had my share of sleepless nights. Everyday recalling back the night the incident happened. That awful Sunday. I sat by his bed and waited for him to wake up. He looked so peaceful sleeping on his hospital bed. I was afraid I would lose him that very moment.

But nevertheless, I wouldn’t want to forget how I got to know the man who gave me hope, taught me to smile again and perhaps to love. Ever since I left Japan, I’ve been eagerly waiting to meet again with Jaejoong. And when he picked me up from the airport, I feel that I could care for people once again. I may have given love and received love from a man who doesn’t show honesty once before. He was indeed the one who made me believe that I can love once again. Jaejoong made me smile again, after thus long, he who lighten my load, brighten my road.

Even though we barely knew each other, he gave me, taught me all that. Within the shortest time, he showed me to the path that I’ve forgotten. He taught me that there is still hope. There is still a chance to be loved again.

However the sudden incident seems to throw all those new grown beliefs away. I have regretted not telling Jaejoong the truth about my feelings back then.

Perhaps, I’ll never learn to love again.
Or maybe it was just not meant to be.
But never once have I, or will I ever regret.
Goodbye Kim Jaejoong.
I think I love you.

Stop playing 'I think I love you'.

###

“So how did it go? Did you manage to persuade her?” asked Yoochun.

Junsu just shrugged his shoulders. He and Changmin have decided to tell their hyungs about their knowledge on Andee’s whereabouts. Yunho agreed that Andee should come back and help Jaejoong hyung.

“I don’t know. She was crying when I left.”

“What!?! You left nuna on her own, crying? Hyung! How could you? Be a man hyung!” Changmin piped.

“Changmin, you don’t know anything do you?” Junsu snapped, and went into their bedroom.

Changmin was left standing there, speechless.

#

Junsu sat on his bed, in deep thought.

“What is wrong with me? It’s wrong to leave her there. It’s wrong to snap at Changmin.”

“Changmin wasn’t wrong. He was right. I’m the one who doesn’t know a thing.”

Yunho entered the room.

“Junsu, are you ok?”

He gave a slight nod.

“You know Junsu, its ok to say that you’re not when you aren’t.”

“Hyung… I don’t know… What am I supposed to do?”

Yunho went up to Junsu and gave him a tight brotherly hug.

“I’ve noticed that you have hidden feelings for Andee.”

Junsu quickly looked away. “Hyung, Andee loves Jaejoong hyung.”

Yunho sighed.

“You were never able to hide your true feelings. I’m your hyung, I know. I saw it in your eyes the moment she came into our lives that tragic night. Junsu, look within yourself and you’ll find the answer. Believe in yourself, have faith.”

“But hyung…”

“Junsu, remember, you’re not alone. You have me, Changmin, Yoochun, and also Jaejoong hyung. I have faith in you, Junsu. We all do. We know you’ll do the right thing.”

“Thanks hyung.”

And they exchanged another brotherly hug.

Yunho left the room to give Junsu space to think.

Junsu got up from his bed and walked towards the window. He looked out of it, trying to free his mind.

Without realizing, tears flowed down. Junsu was crying.

“I cannot let go of it. It’s too deep within me already. Letting go is like letting go of my life.”

He looked up into the sky, tears still freely flowing…

“I’m a man. I shouldn’t be crying. No matter how much it hurts, I shouldn’t cry.
Changmin told me to be a man and I should be one; a man who doesn’t cry, a man who is strong- no matter what the situation is.”

Junsu walked back to his bed at the corner of the room. He sat on it and memories of the past week came back, one by one…

He had watched Andee sleep. He was there when she was crying profusely worrying for hyung. He witnessed her at hyung’s side, hand tightly grasping his lifeless hand. She wouldn’t let go.

A tear fell. Junsu wiped it off.

"The memory of Kim Andee. I cant let go. It was only a week. How did I manage to fall for someone within a week of knowing her. I don't wish to forget those memories, but somehow, i should. Everything reminds me of her. Everything makes me think of her. Seeing Jaejoong makes me think of her. I need to face reality."

"But... I just can't..."

Junsu grabbed the iPod on Yunho’s bed. He switched it on, and laid on his bed.

A song came up. It was a song from their 3rd album- On & On…

He cried to sleep.

I waited for a long time
I longed for that someone
The girl that's next to me
My love for you goes on and on and on

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